Ya know, you haven’t lived until one day during a month long visit to Puerto Vallarta away from your home in San Miguel de Allende you decide to sit and casually check your email because why not what could possibly go awry during such a common and trivial task and oh look here’s an email from the lovely and helpful women who is in the process of helping you get a work permit attached to your temporary residence status and you are eager to read that indeed the paperwork has gone through without hitch and you are now able to work legally in the United States of México so you decide to just give the email a cursory read for the main info and let’s see “accountant” “retail trade of antiques and works of art” “not allowed” “must have PHD” “final decision” “accountant should not have registered you as such” “20 days to leave the country” and that was not the email you were looking for and now you’re starring blankly out into the distance trying to digest the information you just absorbed on a cursory level with a confused look on your face and just the tiniest bit of drool starting to leek out of the corner of your mouth and a more detailed read of this email is in order HOLY FECES AND EXCREMENT you realize you are being deported FROM México TO the United States of America because for some reason only your non-English speaking accountant can explain you are incorrectly registered as a “comercio al por menor de antiguedades y obras de arte” (retail trade of antiques and works of art) which is quite illegal especially because you don’t have a PHD in this field and well OF COURSE YOU DON’T HAVE A PHD IN THIS FIELD the only PHD you have is in procrastination and you will receive that ready-to-frame-certificate as soon as you finish and submit your final thesis but DAMN IT MAN that’s not important right now because you have only 20 days to vamos or whatever the Spanish word for “get the hell out of our country you felonious gringo” is and the worst part is now you have to tell your wife you have to start a new life in a strange and dangerous country about which you only have the memories of a young and skinny boy playing barefoot in the yard of the home in Gary where you were reared and isn’t that a weird word to describe growing up “reared” it almost has disgusting sexual connotation to it and HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS MEDIOCRE focus man none of that is true except the ‘skinny boy’ part and you’ve only lived in México for going on three years and now you’re watching your wife read the email anticipating the exact moment she reads “cancelled your temporary resident status and gave you 20 days to leave the country” and there it is and now she is using words you’ve never heard before and apparently the words are really bad words that Australians only use on occasions such as this or say during the nuclear apocalypse and hey the part of your phone that predicts the word you’re typing predicted ‘apocalypse’ after the first ‘p’ and isn’t that oddly frightening but anywho now your wife is booking your flight back to Arizona so you can go to the Méxican consulate which is not the same as an embassy and some people don’t realize that which can cause confusion and SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME BETTY will you just for once in your life focus on the matter at hand and before you know it your travel plans are made and you will take a sub trip from your current trip which will require a smaller carry on bag with less stuff in it than the larger bag you packed for your main trip and this is really too much to digest and there are so many questions like will they arrest me at the airport and is my photo hanging in the post office and are there even post offices anywhere in México cause you’ve never even seen a mail truck are there still even mail persons in los Estados Unidos anymore with the big bag thrown over their shoulder and you remember the father of an ex girlfriend was a mailman and he seemed quite happy indeed you believe his name was Al and the first time he met you he thought you were an Arab and isn’t that best name for a mailman “Hey good morning Al got any bills for me today ha ha ha” ok that’s enough reminiscing about an ex girlfriend’s father already you’re in quite the pickle and why do we say people are in ‘quite a pickle’ answer me that Mr. Deported Man and now more questions like if they let you out of the country will they let you back in and what is Spanish for “Hi Mr. large cell mate man gosh you look angry” and also really where do babies come from and if only you just hadn’t decided to check your email you would have remained blissfully ignorant which is an oh so pleasant place to be. It’ll be fine.
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